


All is Fair in Love and Prank Wars

by QuinTalon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Co-workers, F/M, Pining Draco Malfoy, Pranks, Romance, attempted humor, crack fic adjacent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 06:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20041315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuinTalon/pseuds/QuinTalon
Summary: Draco should have known better than to challenge Hermione Granger. Shame he forgot that old saying: Never go against a Gryffindor when pride is on the line. Or that time Draco accidentally started a prank war with the Brightest Witch of her Age.A birthday offering for otterlyardent.





	All is Fair in Love and Prank Wars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [otterlyardent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/otterlyardent/gifts).

> Happy, happy birthday to my dear friend otterlyardent! I hope you have a fantastic day, lovely! 💚💛
> 
> My thanks and love to NuclearNik for her alpha and beta work. Thanks for all your encouragement and help on this!
> 
> Disclaimer: Many thanks to JK Rowling for creating an amazing world we love to play in. I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, they just were kind enough to help me tell this story.

* * *

* * *

** _Office of Granger and Malfoy - Department of Magical Artefacts - Ministry of Magic_ **

**Monday, May 13, 2002 - 4:53p.m.**

“_ Excuse me? _”

“You heard me. You don’t know how to have fun. Let down that big bush you call hair sometime, Granger.”

She sputtered. “I do _ too _ know to have fun!”

Scoffing, Draco leaned back in his chair. “Color coding your files and alphabetizing your books does not count as fun.”

“I don’t—”

“You do, and you know it. You never laugh at any of the jokes around the office or join us for drinks after work. Face it, you are anti-fun.”

Granger narrowed her eyes. “I. Am. Not.”

“Oh, really?” He raised a pale eyebrow. “Do you even know how to laugh?”

Crossing her arms, Granger let out a frustrated _ humph _. “Of course I do, Malfoy. You’ve heard me laugh before, you complete git.”

“Maybe a chuckle or the occasional giggle. But never an honest-to-goodness laugh. If I have it’s been so long I’ve forgotten. You really need to lighten up. I doubt you’ve even ever told a joke or pulled a prank on someone. That’s just sad, Granger.”

“Why do you care, anyway?” She looked away and mumbled, “I never got the impression you wanted me to join in any of the fun around here.”

“Because you’re my partner and my life would be much more pleasant if _ you _ were.”

“I’m pleasant!”

“Yes, yes. I’m sure Mummy always told you that when no one wanted to play with you as a child.” Studying his nails, he missed the flash of pain that crossed her face. 

Granger stood quickly, snatching up her bag and cloak before stomping across the room. “Screw you, Malfoy,” she hissed as she slammed the door.

Draco sighed and ran a hand over his face. 

_ That went well. _

* * *

**Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 7:58 a.m.**

The next morning, Draco arrived to find Granger already hunched over her desk in their shared office. She did not acknowledge him as he entered the cramped space, instead keeping her head down while her quill scratched along the parchment.

“Good morning, Granger.”

He only received a muttered “Morning” in reply. _ Ah, she’s still upset. _

With a quiet sigh, Draco sat at his desk, pulling out his unfinished paperwork from the day before. They spent the next hour in silence with Draco occasionally sneaking glances at his partner. He hadn’t meant to hurt her feelings the afternoon before, only rile her up a bit. Because sweet Salazar, was she sexy when she was arguing with him. He just couldn’t help himself sometimes. He had come to realize months ago that he was attracted to the witch he had been working with the past two years. It was more than that, actually. He _ fancied _ her.

This icy tension between them was counterproductive to his long-term plan to slowly break down her barriers so he could show her his good qualities and make her see how good they could be together. He would use all his cunning to subtly woo her, make himself a fixture in her life, someone she could depend on. And when she least expected it, he would swoop in and make her his. He felt the element of surprise was the best approach. Attack when her guard was down, as they say. Obviously not attack in the violent sense, of course. His strategy would be much more pleasurable. 

He had the moment all planned out. He would come to her rescue somehow. Maybe she would slip on some ice and he would catch her before she fell. Maybe she would run into him in the hall while she was rushing somewhere and he would stop her from toppling over. Or maybe he would allow them to tumble, only to save her from injury by twisting them so she was cushioned by his body. And then he would give her the sweetest, most passionate kiss of her life. Her toes would curl and her heart skip a beat. She would be breathless by the time he was done and she would never want to kiss another wizard ever, _ ever _ again.

Draco smiled to himself, imagining that moment. Until he realized that every scenario he came up with involved her falling. His smile faded. Granger may not be the most graceful of beings, but she didn’t trip and fall over everything. How likely was it really that she would randomly start to fall and he just _ happened _ to be there? 

Well, that was a problem for another day. Right now he needed to thaw out his partner from his faux pas the day before. Maybe a peace offering was in order.

Being the clever wizard he was, he had an idea. 

Draco stretched as he stood, making sure his shirt pulled tight against his chest in case any wandering eyes happened to catch it. “I’m going to grab a tea, Granger. Shall I bring you one or perhaps a biscuit?”

The brunette finally looked up at him, her brown eyes flicking up to meet his for a moment before her gaze dropped back to her work. “A coffee please, if you don’t mind. Cream and two sugars.”

“Right. Back in a jiff.”

Draco made his way to the break room down the hall from their office. He poured a cup of coffee for Granger while he waited for the charmed kettle to heat. He rummaged through the cupboard until he found the dented tin he was looking for. He brought in his own specially blended tea—the Ministry provided tea was atrocious—and hid it in an old tea tin no one ever used. He smirked as he thought of the other poor sods who had to drink the flavorless Ministry tea as he took a whiff of the rich blend he paid top galleon for. 

Once both drinks were ready, he grabbed a handful of ginger biscuits someone had brought in that morning and headed back to his office, levitating the cups in front of him. He sat Granger’s coffee and a couple biscuits on her desk before settling in at his own. That should help warm up the icy temperature of his partner. He broke off a piece of biscuit and popped it into his mouth, enjoying the sharp bite of ginger, washing it down with a sip of tea. 

Draco glanced at Granger again, seeing that she had not acknowledged the coffee or snack. It was only polite to thank him, after all. Maybe she didn’t notice. He should ask if the coffee was to her liking. Anything to break the silence. Work was always so much better when they talked. Oh, how he loved to listen to her rant about one thing or another, her voice growing heated and her cheeks flushed. His eyes glazed as he thought of other ways to bring a blush to her cheeks.

The creak of Granger’s chair reminded him that this was not the time for _ those _ kind of daydreams. He was meant to be drawing her into conversation, not his oh-so-willing arms. Not _ yet _.

“So, Gra—” he began, but quickly snapped his mouth shut when his voice came out high pitched and squeaky. How embarrassing. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Granger— Wha—”

Why did he sound like a five year old girl? He pressed a hand to his throat, clearing it again and again, all while casting wide, alarmed eyes at Granger.

“Something wrong, Malfoy?” She asked him, looking the perfect picture of innocence.

“Something wrong?” he squeaked out “Something _ wrong _? What the blazes happened to my voice?”

“Yes, it does sound just a touch higher than normal.”

Draco scoffed loudly.

“If you ask me, it sounds like you inhaled helium.” Granger leaned forward and her voice dropped. “Did you by chance huff anything when you were in the break room?”

“What?” The incredulous tone in his voice made it even higher. “No, all I did was… The biscuits! It has to be the biscuits! Eat one, Granger,” he ordered. “See what happens.”

A knock sounded on the frame of their open door before she could answer, a graying head peeking in. “Good morning Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy. I was just informed that the meeting this morning has been rescheduled for Thursday.”

Granger smiled at the older witch. “Thank you Gertrude.” Her eyes flicked to Draco for moment before focusing on the department secretary. “Would you care for a ginger biscuit?”

Gertrude smiled widely and stepped forward to claim the offered treat. “Why, thank you Miss Granger. I do so love ginger biscuits.”

Draco stared with high brows as he watched his partner give a possibly cursed confection to an unsuspecting elderly witch. He could not quite believe his eyes. Hermione Granger would never do that, would she?

He watched in anticipation as Gertrude took a bite, following the movement as she chewed and swallowed. He was both surprised and confused when she spoke in her regular, soft murmur. 

“Oh my. Those are delicious. Thank you again.” 

_ So not the biscuits, then. _

The secretary smiled at Granger and then turned towards Draco with a nod. “I’ll leave you both to it.”

She stepped back towards the door, pausing at the threshold. “Oh, I almost forgot. Miss Granger, there is a package needing signing for at my desk. Are you available now?”

“Of course, Gertrude. I’ll be right there.”

If it wasn’t the biscuits then how… His tea? Nobody knew he kept it there except...

Draco looked to his partner as his suspicion grew. It was confirmed when he noticed her lips pressed tightly together as she held back a laugh. She met his eye and smirked. Bloody _ smirked _ at him. His narrowed eyes watched as she stood from her desk. 

She leaned in as she passed him, whispering, “Still think I can’t have fun, Malfoy?”

_ That sneaky little minx. Full of surprises… I like it. _

So the clever little—hopefully soon to be his—witch wanted to play. Draco’s lips stretched in a devious grin. “Oh, it’s on Granger.”

* * *

**Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 7:17 a.m.**

_ That should do it _, Draco thought as he cast the last charm needed for his ingenious plan. 

Grinning to himself, he made his way to the break room to make a cuppa before getting started for the day. He had come in early to assure he had time to complete his secret task before Granger came in. She was always early.

He shook his head as he pulled out the old tin that housed his tea. He had taken some home with him the night before, trying to figure out how Granger had done it. It was a brilliant bit of magic, he’d grant her that. Luckily, he was able to counter the spells she had used—though it took him longer than he cared to admit—and could now happily drink his tea without sounding like a house elf. 

It had taken an hour for his voice to return to normal. Thank Merlin that meeting had been rescheduled, though he suspected Granger had hoped he would have his tea during the meeting as was his habit. He was quite proud of her for that, actually.

When Granger arrived twenty minutes later, Draco leaned back in his chair and smirked before taking a long drink from his mug. He smacked his lips and greeted in his natural baritone, “Good morning, Granger.”

She graced him with a small smile. “Good morning, Malfoy. Enjoying your tea, I see.”

“Why, yes I am. It’s quite delicious. Would you care for a cup?”

Her smile widened. “Oh, no thank you. I’ve brought my own this morning.” She lifted a green and white lidded paper cup for him to see, taking a sip as she sat at her desk.

“Wise decision.”

She hummed in agreement and turned her attention to the work that had come in overnight.

They worked quietly for the next hour and a half, only speaking when one had a question on a form or a comment on an artefact they were scheduled to work on that afternoon. Right on time, three pale purple office memos glided into the room. One landed in front of Draco and the other two headed for Granger. She paid no attention to them, expecting them to land in her outbox like they were charmed to do. However, these did not. She looked up when the first zipped past her face, folding itself into a new shape. Her eyes widened as the second memo followed suit, both circling her head before disappearing into her hair.

She made the most adorable little gasp when she reached up and plucked an intricately folded paper bird from her curls. Granger’s eyes narrowed at him as she tried to extract the second bird from her hair, having to untangle it as it attempted to nest. She sat the first memo on her desk to get a better grip on the second, only for it fly back into her hair. 

Biting his bottom lip, Draco watched Granger wrangle both birds, pinning one down on the desk under her elbow as she fought the other, muttering under her breath the entire time. He only caught a few words—_ git, show him, my poor hair _, and a few others not meant for polite company. After several minutes and a loud huff, she finally succeeded. She opened the memo in her hand, the first still wiggling under her arm. She quickly read the missive, pressing it flat against her desk, lifting her hand just a hair to see if it would remain in place. She smiled for a split second before it once again folded itself and tried to return to its previous perch.

With an impressive snarl, Granger whipped out her wand and incinerated the rogue bird. She ripped open the remaining memo, read it in record time, and burned it as well. With a haughty sniff, she brushed the ashes into the bin next to her desk, loudly dusting her hands off when she was done.

Granger then settled her—admittedly _ somewhat _ terrifying— glare on him. Draco fought back the gulp that threatened, clearing his throat instead and forcing his lips into a subtle smirk.

“Something the matter, Granger?” he asked, mirroring her words to him from the day before. If possible, her glare turned even scarier. 

_ Merlin, no wonder Potter and Weasley fell in line for her back in school. _

Draco found himself wanting to actually shrink back from her. Crossing his arms to hide the _ very slight _ shake in his hands, he went against his instinct to flee and leaned back in his chair, eyebrows raised and smirk firmly in place. 

She opened her mouth to respond when movement to her right drew her attention. Two perfectly intact, unburned purple paper birds were slowing rising from the bin. And the best part—they were now in the shape of phoenixes, glorious like the creatures they resembled as they rose from the ashes. Like before, they flew straight into Granger’s increasingly wild curls, happily nesting there once more.

Draco could no longer hold back his glee at the look of intense annoyance on his partner’s face, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. She sat with her back straight, hands clenched on her desk, eyes closed, and lips pressed in a firm line as she took deep breaths.

Finally, she spoke. “Malfoy,” she ground out. “Is this _ your _ doing?”

“Me?” he managed through a chuckle. “What makes you think I would be capable of such a thing, Granger? Although, I must say that whoever _ is _ responsible is very gifted at charms. Wouldn’t you say?”

Her lips pursed and her glare turned downright deadly before her face went blank. “Yes,” she said as she nodded her head. “I must agree. It must have been a very gifted, very clever person to pull this off.” She smiled sweetly at him and that was somehow even more unsettling than her glare. “That means I can take _ you _ off the list.”

That finally wiped the smirk off his face. 

_ Cheeky witch. _

By the end of the day, Granger had at least ten nesting paper birds in her now extremely bushy mass of curls. It caused quite a stir in the department and in the cafeteria when Draco convinced her she still had to eat, good natured laughter and teasing followed her. She took it all in stride, that magnificent witch. But the crowning moment was when two memos combined to become a delightfully large dragon that nestled right at the top of her head and would occasionally puff smoke from its tiny nostrils. 

Draco couldn’t hold in a grin at the sight. He regretted not bringing a camera.

* * *

**Thursday, May 16, 2002 - 7:57 a.m.**

Draco was man enough to admit that he was a bit worried about going into work today. He was certain there would be retaliation for yesterday’s prank on Granger. And he was both nervous and intrigued to see what she would do.

He walked into the office slowly, his eyes searching to find anything out of the ordinary. Granger was at her desk, as per usual. His desk was in the same state he had left it in the afternoon before, his chair at the same angle he had purposefully left it. Nothing appeared to be hiding above or behind the door, or under his desk. 

He sat gingerly in his chair, relieved when nothing happened, before greeting Granger.

“Good morning. Hard at work already, I see. How does that Muggle phrase go? The early _ bird _ gets… something.” A risky move he knew, teasing her about the events the day before, but he just could not help himself.

“The worm. It’s “The early bird gets the worm.” I wonder,” she paused to tap a finger against her lips, a motion Draco’s eyes could not help but follow. “If I’m the bird, who do you think is the worm?”

His eyes still focused on her soft, kissable lips, Draco’s first thought was _ Dear Merlin, let it be me _, before his brain caught up to the conversation and his anxiety of what might befall him today returned.

His eyes snapped back to hers, his trepidation increasing at the calculating and amused look he found there. She looked like she had just come up with a deliciously wicked idea, one that may involve him. He was simultaneously turned on and terrified by her in that moment. 

He chuckled nervously and shrugged. “No, uh, no worms here.”

Granger tilted her head and smiled. “No? Shame.” She hummed softly and focused back on the stack of forms in front of her, pulling one out. She stood from her chair and approached him, sliding the parchment across his desk. “By the way, you forgot to sign this one yesterday. Cole needs it back today.”

Draco’s eyes darted between her and the parchment, not trusting either one. 

Granger _ tsked _. “Honestly, Malfoy. I haven’t done anything to the form.” She tapped it with her fingertip multiple times to prove her point. When he paused while reaching for his quill, she rolled her eyes and snatched it up, thrusting it into his hand. “I didn’t do anything to your quill either.”

“Yes, well, I’m just being cautious. For good reason, I might add. _ Someone _ pranked you yesterday and for some reason you think it was my handsome, innocent self.”

She snorted delicately. “I think that because it’s true. Now stop being a suspicious git and sign the form, please.”

“Fine.” He signed his name with a flourish and flicked the parchment back towards her. She plastered on a cheesy fake smile and scrunched her nose at him as grabbed the now completed form, placing it in the outgoing box hanging by the door and returning to her desk.

Draco spent the next hour completely unable to focus on work. Every time Granger moved or he heard a sound in the hall, he tensed up, expecting something to happen to him. She noticed his nervous behavior and became increasingly amused. 

Forcing himself to accomplish at least one thing this morning, he went back to reading the file on the latest artefact he had been assigned. He was two pages into the report when a rap on the door startled him so much he actually jumped. Granger’s hand flew up to her mouth to muffle a giggle turned cough.

“Good morning you two,” Gertrude greeted cheerfully. She stepped to Draco’s desk and set a beautifully wrapped box in front of him. “This just came for you, Mr. Malfoy.”

Immediately skeptical of what lay under the silver paper and elaborate green bow, Draco scooted his chair back from his desk. “Who delivered it? Do you know who it’s from?”

The secretary shook her head, grey locks swinging around her ears. “Sorry, dear. It was brought up from the mailroom, so I imagine it was delivered by owl sometime last night or this morning. The tag there just has your name.” She reached over and turned the tag towards him. He gingerly picked it up, looking at both sides, but it only read _ Draco Malfoy _ in elegant script.

“Right. Thank you, Gertrude.”

His eyes fell on the package once more, his attention solely on it so he paid no mind to Gertrude speaking to Granger briefly or her wish of a good day when she left.

“Aren’t you going to open it, Malfoy?”

Draco responded without moving his eyes. “No. No, I don’t think I am.” He finally tore his gaze away and landed calculating eyes on her. “Why don’t _ you _ open it?”

“Are you sure? What if it’s a gift from your mum, or—ugh—what if it’s from some besotted twit of a witch who sent you a cringe-worthy drawing of the two of you. Because that’s been known to happen to poor unsuspecting heirs.”

“That only happened once, Granger and I thought we agreed to never mention it again. Ever.” He shivered in disgust. “Great, now I have that horrid image in my mind. Thank you ever so much.”

Granger smiled prettily at him. “You’re welcome!”

Draco dropped his eyes back to the package, only to blink at it. Did it just… move?

“Did you see—” His question was cut off as the box shook violently. He leapt from his chair so quickly it fell backwards with a crash. His wand was in his hand in an instant and when the package rattled again he rushed to where Granger was standing, pulling her behind him as he threw up a shield charm.

With a final tremor that caused it to skip across his desk, the box burst open in a spray of paper and ribbon as something flew out of the wrappings. His wand trained on the flying blur, Draco tracked it as it crossed the room to them, stopping just on the other side of his shield. His mouth gaped open as he found himself staring at a small figure, no larger than a pixie, that looked an awful lot like...

_ No. _

_ She didn’t… Just. NO. _

Floating arrogantly inches from him, exaggerated smirk firmly in place, was a miniature _ him _. A tiny Draco Malfoy dressed in all black, hair slicked back like he used to style it in school, and… Draco could not hold back an angry growl as his eyes fell on the white ferret draped across minuscule shoulders. 

Draco spun to glare at the far too innocent looking witch who was looking everywhere but him. “Granger!” he snarled. “What the fu— “

“Greetings, Draco Malfoy!” A nasally voice interrupted. “You, good sir, have the extreme pleasure of basking in my charming presence this day. I will be your personal herald. All will know they are about to graced with a glimpse of _ the _ Draco Malfoy, pompous git.”

“Excuse me?” Draco sniped over his shoulder. He flicked his wand to drop the shield charm, then sneered at his herald. “You know what? I don’t think so.” He mumbled _ finite _ under his breath, hoping it would counter whatever spells created the faux-Draco. This turned out to be a mistake, because instead of disappearing as he hoped, the herald grew larger.

_ Bollocks. _

“Oh, you don’t want to do that.” The herald chided. “Unless you _ want _ me to get bigger. Actually, do it again. The ladies will love me.” Tiny grey eyes looked past him as Granger let out a delightful giggle. “See, she likes me. Don’t you, sweetheart?”

“Oh, shut up.” Draco barked. He shot a stinging hex at the herald, only to find that the already caricatured features of the small face grew more pronounced. _ Merlin. _

Draco sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was going to be awful, he just knew it.

For the rest of the day, Draco was annoyed, pestered, and embarrassed by the herald. Every time he walked down the hall, the obnoxious little thing would loudly announce things like “Make way for the great bouncing ferret” or “Clear a path, peasants. His majesty needs the loo.” When he gave instructions to an intern in the department, it was followed by “The prat has spoken! So mote it be.”

Draco tried everything he could think of to rid himself of the floating menace, but nothing worked. Silencing spells only made it louder, freezing spells made it zip around his head making an ear piercing squealing sound, and shoving it in his desk merely resulted in a broken drawer after it broke out screaming “Wait until my father hears about this!”

But the worst, the absolute _ worst _, was what happened when Draco decided to just ignore it. He had tried to block it out, tried to focus on his work, and almost succeeded despite the poking and shouting and taunts. He thought he had won, thought he would finally have a moment’s peace, until he heard it.

It started quietly. So quietly he wasn’t sure he had actually heard anything. 

“I made it through the wilderness… Somehow I made it through-hoo-hooo.”

_ Was it… _ singing _ ? Yes, yes it was. _

The herald grew in volume as the song progressed. Draco had never heard it before, and assumed it was Muggle. It wasn’t a bad song really and while Draco would never, ever admit it, the little herald had a pleasant singing voice. Draco allowed himself to enjoy the song until…

“Hoo, Like a virgin! Touched for the very first tiiiime.”

Draco frantically grabbed for the herald, there _ had _ to be a way to make it stop, but the mini-Draco was quite nimble and escaped his clutches. Undeterred, the herald continued the song, getting louder and louder, pouring its little heart into the performance. It flitted over to Granger and began to serenade her.

“No! Make it stop, Granger! I’m not a… I’m NOT!”

Granger ignored him and just beamed at the herald, who was now singing the line “I’ll be yours” as it tapped her playfully on the nose. Nope, no, not happening. It was _ not _ flirting with his Granger.

Mercifully the song ended soon after and the herald zoomed back over to Draco, winking cheekily at the blushing witch. Seriously? Why didn’t she blush that way with him? For one insane moment, Draco contemplated serenading her was well, before he came to his senses. What a silly idea.

While all that had been mortifying, it was nothing compared to what he was sure would forever be referred to as ‘The Incident.’ He and Granger had met with their department head, Anderson Cole, along with members of other research teams for their monthly status updates. 

The herald had announced their arrival with a cry of, “Behold, the Albino Wizard of Wiltshire! And the delightful and beautiful Hermione,” followed by kisses blown to Granger.

This was met by confused expressions before the room burst into laughter. Draco stomped over to an empty seat on the far side of the table with Granger sitting across from him, a teasing grin on her face.

“Now,” Cole began after everyone had settled, “let’s get started, shall we?”

Each person took their turn explaining their progress on various projects and updates on things mentioned in the last meeting. When it was Draco’s turn, he braced himself for whatever mischief the herald was about to unleash. It has been relatively mild so far, only pestering him personally by shuffling his papers and flying off with his quill, returning it by tucking it behind his ear before settling onto his shoulder where it would occasionally poke him in the neck or tug on his hair until he swatted it away. He faltered as he read off his notes, his eyes darting up to see where the annoyance was, only to see it floating by a blushing Granger and seemingly whispering in her ear. 

Draco’s eyes narrowed and he rushed through the rest of his presentation, glare firmly on the herald. As he was the last to present, there was a pause as Cole finished noting down the plan for the following month. As the silence stretched, the herald suddenly laughed in a slightly creepy way before—

“Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want…”

It seemed having a larger audience brought out the theatrical side to the herald, as music started streaming into the room and it begin doing some strange dance moves. Too slow to stop them, Draco watched in mute horror as several coworkers pulled out their wands and a variety of spells hit faux-Draco mid-note.

_ Oh no… _

The herald’s voice grew louder and louder as its body tripled in size. The song continued on, the barrage of spells having no effect on the performance. 

The witches and wizards around the room sat in stunned silence for a moment before another round of laughter broke out. Draco wanted to hide under the table, his mortification rising as a few of the Muggle-born and half-bloods began to sing along, dancing in their seats. He looked wide-eyed at Granger as she silently mouthed the words as well, bobbing her head along to the music. 

The herald also noticed this and directed the line “If you wanna be my lover” to her each time. Draco huffed and crossed his arms, refusing to admit he was jealous of a magical construct.

More laughter and loud chatter followed the song when it was finished. Even Cole was smiling—despite the interrupted meeting—and that bloke was all about being professional. He grinned widely at the room as he stood. “Well, I think that was the most entertaining meeting on record. Everyone have a great evening. Dismissed.” Draco was sure he heard him humming as he left the room.

As they gathered their things to head home for the day, Granger crooked her finger to the herald, beckoning it over to her. “Well done today, little Draco. Very well done.”

The herald bowed dramatically, kissing her hand. “Anything for you, my gorgeous lady.” He threw a smirk at Draco over his shoulder before disappearing with a snap of Granger’s fingers.

Her mirth-filled eyes landed on him then, a wide grin on her face. She had the air of a woman very pleased with herself, a happily devious look across her lovely face. And oh, how tantalizing it looked on her.

He ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “You look like the cat who ate the canary, Granger. I thought you were the little bird who got the worm?”

“Who knows? Maybe I’m both Malfoy.” 

He watched her hips sway as she sauntered out of the office. The cheeky wink she shot him as she passed danced through his mind the rest of the night.

* * *

**Friday, May 17, 2002 - 8:02 a.m.**

“You’re late,” was Granger’s greeting when Draco stepped into the office.

“Granger, it’s only two after. I’m not late. Besides, you know I’m always on time. If I _ were _ late, just this once, which I’m not, I’m sure Cole wouldn’t mind. I’m his favorite.”

“Uh-huh. Why are you late today?”

Flashing her a broad grin, Draco laid a white box on the desk in front of her with the label of the bakery they occasionally lunched at clearly visible. “The queue took forever. I thought I would provide breakfast this morning.”

Granger shook her head with a wry smile. “You cannot honestly think I am going to eat anything you offer me.”

“I know.” He opened the box and showed her the delicious assortment of jam doughnuts he had purchased. “I promise I haven’t done anything to them. Here.” He selected a blackberry one and brought it to his lips, taking a bite. Noticing the way her eyes stayed on his lips, he made sure to slowly lick the sugar from them before offering the doughnut to her. “See, nothing happened.”

Granger’s eyes darted between the offered treat and his face. “No, thank you. For all I know, you laced these with a potion and took something to counter the effects.”

“How untrustworthy of you.” He shrugged and took the box back into his hand. “I’ll prove that you should have some faith in your favorite coworker.”

“You’re not _ everyone’s _ favorite, you know.”

“Sadly true, but I _ am _ yours.” If only she knew the double meaning in his words.

He stepped into the hall and made his way to the front desk of the department. “Gertrude,” he purred. “My apologies. I meant to offer you a treat as I passed by earlier. I brought some doughnuts from Victoria’s Bakery down the way. Care for one?”

“Why, thank you Mr. Malfoy. My, you both have been plying me with treats this week.” She chuckled as she made her selection.

Draco looked over his shoulder to see Granger peering around the corner, watching Gertrude take a bite. When nothing happened, she tilted her head, obviously trying to figure out his scheme.

After chatting with the secretary, Draco headed back to his office. “Trust me now?”

Granger huffed. “Fine, I believe you haven’t done anything to them.” She pointed a finger at him, eyes narrowing. “But I’m keeping my eye on you. I know you have something planned.”

“Of course you are. And why wouldn’t you? I _ am _ a rather fine specimen to look upon.”

She rolled her eyes and _ tsked _. “Yes, yes.” She carefully reached into the box and picked a doughnut. It was his turn to watch her lips wrap around the edges of the confection as she took a careful bite. She chewed slowly, most likely waiting for something to happen. She met his eye when nothing did and took another, larger bite.

As planned, a bit of jam made its way onto her cheek. Overly-filled jam doughnuts like the ones he specifically requested were notorious for being difficult to eat without getting at least some jam on one’s face. Fighting back a smirk at a plan well executed, Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief.

“You’ve a little—” he said quietly, eyes focused on her lips before lifting to meet her stare. He stepped closer and slowly lifted the embroidered cloth to her face, gently wiping away the jam. He leaned in closer and saw her swallow roughly. “There,” Draco whispered. “Got it.” He ran his finger along her jawline as he pulled away.

“Th-thank you.”

A lovely blush was spreading across Granger’s cheeks and Draco relished in the knowledge that he was the one who put it there. He also relished the fact that he had flustered her enough that she had not noticed the charm he cast as he touched her jaw, his wand tucked just out of sight in his other hand. With a flick of his finger, it was safely hidden in his sleeve once more.

Retrieving the doughnut he had tasted earlier, Draco devoured it in four large bites, making sure Granger saw him carefully wipe his mouth with the handkerchief. He selected a second one—vanilla cream this time—before settling in his chair to begin work, leaving the box on Granger’s desk.

He watched her as surreptitiously as he could for the next half hour, noticing when she absentmindedly scratched her jaw or chin. He had to hold in a chuckle when he heard her murmur, “What in Godric’s name…”

Keeping his head down but looking at her through hooded eyes, he saw her fumble open her desk drawer and pull out a mirror. Her face was hidden behind it, but he heard her squeak out a “No!”

She slammed down the mirror and huffed. “Seriously, Malfoy?”

Draco met her eye then, a devious smirk on his face. He took a moment to admire his creation. Granger sat glaring in her seat, arms crossed, lips pursed, and a very thick, bushy beard gracing her face. 

“What? I think it’s charming on you.”

“Char—” She paused as she ran a hand over the offending hair. Eyes wide, she let out a quiet gasp. “Is it—oh Merlin. It’s still growing, isn’t it?”

Hiding his toothy grin behind his hand, Draco nodded at her. “Oh, yes.”

She groaned and laid her head down on her desk. “It’s times like this I find myself disliking you greatly.”

“Oh, come on Granger. You have to admit, you started this. I was baselessly attacked on Tuesday and my poor tea violated. I merely responded in kind. Besides, this is much less of an annoyance than my tiny companion from yesterday.”

She lifted her head with a dreamy smile. “Yeah, I miss little Draco.”

“Trust me, there’s nothing _ little _ about—” 

“Nope!” Granger interrupted with both hands raised, head shaking. “No. I retract my statement. What I meant was, I miss _ the herald _. I don’t need to hear anymore about your—your… self.”

“My, my. What _ were _ you thinking I was talking about? I just meant he was not so small by the end of the day. Rather large actually, manly, quite ere—” 

“Malfoy!” She cried out, though he detected a hint of a smile on her face. Hard to tell behind the beard.

Draco spent the rest of the day checking on the progress of the beard. By midmorning it had grown mid-chest, by lunch it was at her waist, and by late afternoon it had grown to her ankles. She had taken to braiding it to keep it from engulfing her in her seat. It was actually quite a beautiful beard, a chestnut brown that matched her curls and the braid added sophistication to it.

However, he was proudest of the second phase of the prank. Once it was long enough to braid, the beard took on a mind of its own. Granger had jumped and let out a breathy shout the first time it moved. The end had lifted and gently brushed her hand. She had watched with wary eyes as it continued to pet her hand, her eyes darting to him a few times. Draco only smiled and shrugged at her questioning gaze.

He had charmed it to be more of a help than a hindrance. His witch was serious about work, after all, and he didn’t want her truly angry with him. For the remainder of the day, Granger’s beard handed her files or moved her inkwell closer. If there was nothing it could hand her, it would pat her hand or tickle her ear, causing Granger to giggle behind her hand, and causing Draco’s heart to race at the sound.

She seemed to enjoy the beard in the end. He caught her running her hands over it, as if she were petting a cat, with a fond smile on her face. Draco felt a warm rush of… _ something _ course through him at the site. She was lovely, beard and all.

The end of the work day arrived sooner than he liked, knowing it would be three days before he would see Granger again. He used to love the weekends, but now they were just a long measure of time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning.

Granger stood from her desk and gathered her things. She smiled warmly at him. “Well, Malfoy. This has been quite the week, hasn’t it?”

“It has. Did you… have _ fun _, Granger?” he teased.

She smirked at him. “Why, yes I did. The meeting yesterday was especially entertaining.” She stepped around her desk, moving closer to him. “And I hope now you will admit that I _ can _ have fun and _ do _ have a sense of humor.”

Chuckling, he stood as he crossed his arms. “Yes, I concede. You are hilarious. Ha. Ha.” He leaned against his desk. “You should keep it up. It’s a good look on you.”

Blushing, Granger shifted on her feet before taking a step closer. “Thank you. I—” 

She did not finish her thought as she began to tumble forward. Draco felt like he was watching in slow motion as that blasted beard tangled up around her legs, making Granger trip. 

“Hermione!” He cried out as he lunged forward to help her. He reached out for her, but the next thing he knew, he was on the floor beside her, the end of the beard unwrapping from his ankle.

“Ow.”

He sat up quickly at the sound and turned towards her, looking her over for injuries. “Hermione, are you okay? Oh Merlin, I’m sorry. I never thought it would do that!”

Draco reached for her to help her up, but his hands were batted away by the beard. Each time he tried to touch her, it stopped him.

“Excuse me!” he huffed, “Just let—me—help—her!”

It took him a few moments to realize that he was in essence arguing with hair, but he was so flustered that his prank may have caused Granger injury he wasn’t thinking clearly. He froze when he made this astute observation and finally lifted his eyes to hers, seeing that she was sitting up as well.

Hermione’s face was blank when their eyes locked, but for only a moment before she began to chuckle. She pressed one hand to her stomach and the other lifted to cover her mouth as the chuckles grew into the most delightful peals of laughter. She bent forward, her eyes squeezed shut, shoulders shaking, and Draco thought he had never seen or heard anything more wonderful in his life. 

Until she snorted. Loudly. 

So loudly, in fact, he was actually startled for a moment before he joined her. He threw his head back and barked out a laugh that could probably be heard all the way down the hall. She snorted again and Draco’s own laughter turned into full on guffaws. Tears were streaming down both their cheeks as they roared with laughter, both trying not to look at the other as it just set them off again.

“You—” Granger wheezed out. “You were—fighting— with my—_ beard _!” The words tumbling out between gasps and laughter.

“I know!” Draco roared through his laughter. “I don’t know—what I was thinking—beyond you being hurt.”

He wiped the tears from his eyes and gulped air, trying to calm down. He turned his eyes to hers, they were filled with her own tears and shone with such happiness, his breath caught and he felt that flood of _ something _ again.

“You have an amazing laugh. I hope I get to hear it again.”

She shook her head as she chuckled. “No, I don’t. It’s obnoxious. I hate it.”

“You shouldn’t. I think it’s delightful.”

He pulled out his wand and removed the charm from her face, the beard melting away. He slowly reached his hand up and wiped a stray tear from her cheek, Granger’s laughter fading away at his touch.

“Are you okay, really? You’re not hurt at all?” he asked quietly.

Granger nodded. “Yes, I’m fine.”

Draco let out a sigh. “Good. That's good. I’m really sorry about that.” In the back of his mind, the thought arose that this might be the perfect time to enact his master plan, given that she had fallen and he was somehow there when it happened. Granted, he didn’t rescue her but he could make it work.

Too distracted by trying to recalculate his next move, he did not see her lean in until her nose brushed his. And then his whole plan went spectacularly out the window when her lips met his. It didn’t matter that he had fallen embarrassingly hard and in no way gracefully at her feet when he tried to help her. It didn’t matter that she was the one to lean in and steal a kiss. All that mattered was the feel of her lips against his, the warmth of her hands as they hesitantly ran up his chest, the fact that he was finally, _ finally _ kissing the witch he was now sure he was in love with.

When she began to pull away, he chased her lips and recaptured them, not ready to end the sweetest, most passionate kiss of his life. His toes curled and his heart skipped a beat. And he was absolutely certain that he would never want to kiss another witch ever, _ ever _ again. He was indeed breathless when they finally parted.

“Y-you kissed me.” His tone dripping with pleasant surprise.

“You called me Hermione,” she countered.

“I—Yes. I did.” He nodded numbly. 

“Why?” She tilted her lovely head, looking at him like she looked at a particularly difficult puzzle.

Draco swallowed roughly. “Because I… I find I quite fancy you. More than, actually.”

Her kiss-reddened lips pulled into a hesitant smile, but her eyes were guarded. “Yeah?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Then why… Why did you tease me about being so boring the other day? I thought…” Her eyes dropped and she stared at the floor. “I thought we had been getting along so much better, thought we were becoming friends.”

He placed his hand on her chin and gently lifted so he could look her in the eye. “We were. We are. I’m sorry I made you feel any different. I just can’t help myself around you sometimes.”

At her offended look, Draco smiled and explained. “You have no idea how incredibly sexy you are when you get riled up. It can be intoxicating, so sometimes I egg you on just to witness your glorious fury. I shouldn’t I know but, _ Merlin _ you are a tantalizing sight.”

A furious blush spread across her checks and creeped down her neck. “Oh.”

“Also, I… Well, I was hoping to goad you into coming out with us sometime. I had a plan, you see. I’d work my way into becoming your friend, so I could spend more time with you and woo you slowly.”

Hermione bit her bottom lip and lifted her shoulders. “I, um... The reason I don’t go out with you all is that I was worried I would embarrass myself. I knew you would insist I have at least one drink and I knew if I did I would probably do or say something. And then you would _ know _.”

“Know?” Draco felt hope soar on wings and flutter around his stomach. Could she?

“That I fancy you. That I want to be with you. That I dream about kissing you.”

Draco’s heart leapt and all he could do was wrap his arms around her and pull her close, kissing her once more. When they broke the kiss, he found he could not bare to have his lips leave her soft skin, so he left a trail of light kisses up to her ear where he whispered, “Oh, the things I want to do to you, witch. _ With _ you.”

He felt her breath hitch and her pulse race. “Y-yeah?”

He continued to pepper kisses across her face and neck.

“Yeah. I want to take you to dinner, every night if you let me. Or we can alternate, stay in every other night. Maybe we can learn to cook together, I know you’re rubbish at it.”

“Hey!” She began to pull back but he tightened his hold.

“I’m only being honest, darling. I wouldn’t even know where to start, so you’re already ahead.”

That seemed to appease her as she leaned back into him.

“What else do you want to do?” she whispered.

He pressed his lips against hers again for a slow, deep kiss.

“Mmm. I want to eat lunch with you everyday. I want to lavish you with gifts—books and jewelry and gowns and those marvelously tight, what are they called? Denims?”

She nodded. 

“I want to take you to Paris and Rome and New York and Tokyo. Anywhere you want to go.”

He pulled away from her neck where he had been nibbling between words, looking into her eyes.

“I want to fall asleep with you in my arms and wake surrounded by your glorious curls. I want to hold your hand whenever we’re out and I want to cuddle while we read. I want to laugh with you and talk with you and argue with you.”

Draco ran his finger along her jawline, down her neck until it met the collar of her robes, his eyes following the path. 

“I want to worship your body, make you feel unimaginable pleasure. I want to kiss every inch of you and when I’m done, I want to do it all over again.”

Her eyes darkened and her breathing sped up.

“I want to do all those things with you, Hermione. I want you to be mine and, Sweet Salazar, I want to be yours. Every day. For the rest of my life. What do you say?”

Time stopped as he waited for her reply, his body ceasing all function, all his focus on her as he hoped and longed for her to agree.

A slow smile spread across her face as she whispered, “I’d love nothing more, Draco.”

Oh sweet, sweet Merlin and all his magic, the sound of his name on her lips was bliss. He barely contained a delighted shiver.

He kissed her again, and again, and then once more for good measure. Finally he stood and pulled her to her feet.

“Well, Hermione,” he purred in her ear, a flare of contented pride rushing through him when she shuddered. “Care to join me for dinner tonight? I bet I can get you sharing that adorable laugh with me again in under an hour. No battle with beards needed.”

“You really think so?”

“I _ know _ so, sweetheart. I have it on good authority that you are quite besotted with me. I bet I can get you to do all _ sorts _ of things.”

Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him and bestowed a smirk worthy of a future Malfoy bride. 

“Oh, it’s on Draco.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> The songs the herald sings (enthusiastically and perfectly pitched, thank you very much) are Like a Virgin by Madonna and Wannabe by the Spice Girls. I don't own the rights to either, obviously.


End file.
